and so, he drowns
by etherealtulip
Summary: "He resigned himself to closing his eyes tightly and praying for everything to have just been a dream."


**warning: a probably inaccurate description of a panic attack from the perspective of the person experiencing it**

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Through the cries of outrage and the wailing, the others were oblivious to the way Natsu's shoulders hunched forward, and how he seemed to hug himself as if he was trying to hold himself together. As Happy began sobbing, his arms tightened and something logged itself in his throat as he gulped for air.

Shaking slightly, he took a step away from the chaos.

And then another.

And, eventually, he stood outside of the crowd, next to another group of gaping guild members, too young to be a part of the team from before Tenrou's failure. Just the thought of it made him gag and slap a clammy hand to his mouth while he fought to choke down bile. Turning his head away from them, his eyes began to water and the barely noticeable shaking turned into tremors. With his heart pounding in his ears, he bowed his head and sunk into a low crouch.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

H e ' s n o t o k a y .

His vision blurred and he squeezed his eyes shut. Pictures of Igneel's demise flashed behind his eyelids and he began choking again, whipping the hand away from his mouth to breathe. Sucking in large, greedy breaths of air as slowly as he could, the drums in his ears slowed their incessant crashing. Breathing deeply and evenly, he focused keeping his mind blank and his limbs steady.

Sliding his eyes open after a few more moments of hesitation, Natsu became aware of the countless pairs of his trained on him. In front of him stood Makarov, watching him with watery, alarmed eyes while his hand reached out to grasp his arm. Natsu tried to shift away from the sudden attention and scrambled to reach his full height. He took a step backwards, too occupied with trying not to stare anyone in the eyes that he didn't realise that there was someone behind him until he bumped into them.

"Natsu..." a voice muttered weakly from near his shoulder as a pair of hands gently rested on his back, steadying him. He flinched forward violently, out of reach and barely suppressed the urge to bury his face in his hands and wail. Clenching his fists, he released his next breath in a shudder and licked his dry lips. With a sudden need to reassure them that everything was fine, although itreallywasn't, prodding at the back of his fragile mind, he opened his mouth and lifted his head to face the guildmaster, only to freeze once again when evenmoreeyes met his own.

Whimpering pathetically, a sob escaped his mouth instead. He slapped a hand against it, and for the first time in over a decade, he spun around and sprinted away.

Hearing his name only pushed him to run faster.

Hours, days, weeks passed as his feet slammed against the stone path on Strawberry Street. He skidded as he turned a corner, almost ramming into a civilian and croaking out a hasty apology before continuing his stride, keep his steps as wide and as quick as possible.

While running into the woods, he could still faintly hear someone calling his name. And so, his heartbeat became erratic, pumping wildly in his chest in a way that he hadn't felt in a while.

Minutes later, he fell to his knees in front of his hut, panting harshly. Clutching at his shirt, he continued gasping and eventually stood up, stumbling forward a few steps, suddenly absolutely exhausted and still short of breath.

As Natsu entered the house, he closed the door softly behind him and let himself sink to the floor, resting against the dark wood with a heavy sigh. His vision narrowed significantly, the soreness of his body catching up to him.He slumped further, unable to stop himself from almost laying down on the hard stone of the floor. The edges of his sight blurred further, leaving him confused and so, so tired.

Shit.

He was so _tired_.

He didn't fight against the first wave of fatigue, or the second or the third.

Before he knew it, his eyes were sliding shut for the last time that night.

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"--he okay?"

"Don--ryy, he'll--ine. Just a litt--ired,"

"--me on, let him re--and then y--an see him,"

Natsu restrained from opening his eyes as he slowly returned to consciousness. Shifting slightly, he remained quiet as his senses returned to him and when he could finally see sunlight from behind his eyelids. The softness beneath his head told him he wasn't at home anymore.

The gentle murmur of voices grew louder and clearer as the minutes passed by, and, eventually, they quietened to a comfortable silence.

A bony hand ruffled his hair lightly, and the person attached to it huffed as they did.

"Can't believe Erza tried kicking us out," someone muttered under their breath. A collective noise of agreement rang out in the room, and Natsu was suddenly aware of how large the number of people in... wherever he was. The realisation prompted his heart to leap to his throat, choking him for only a second before he forced the feeling down, like he had forced down the urge to vomit the night before..

Oh.

The night before.

The hand returned, gently combing through his hair, and he leaned into it before he could stop himself, eyes opening just a crack before swiftly shutting. It stiffened, before tugging at one lock of hair in acknowledgement of his awareness, and then rested just above his forehead.

A familiar sigh followed the silence after the complaint.

"Gajeel, you know why she tried. We can't risk him panicking again, especially after what happened last night," Lucy paused for a moment, running a hand through his hair again. "And, anyway! you guys shouldn't even be here! Makarov only gave the team permission to visit him today."

Another person snorted, their irritation practically visible through the noise.

"'Permission'? It seems that you've already forgotten what happened last night. Makarov has_no right _to order us around anymore," they hissed almost bitterly.

From the way she had taken to tracing frowny faces on his forehead, Lucy was upset-and rightfully so.

However, before she could continue to speak, the authoritative voice of Erza raised in its volume from its previously low, murmuring state.

"Guildmaster or not, he's still older than us. In addition, he only suggested that for Natsu's sake, which you already know. He doesn't need more stress on top of everything that's already happened."

Right. Everything. Last night.

Shit.

Natsu barely stopped himself from grimacing. He let himself to shift his head closer towards Lucy's hand.

The voices became static in the back of his mind as he focused on the sound of his heart beating.

One. Two. Three.

He counted the beats until the fuzzy feeling of exhaustion slowly overtook him once again, when he drunkenly weighed the pros and cons of opening his eyes. Just as he began to drift off, something smacked against his forehead painfully.

Without meaning to, his eyes flew open, and he squinted at the brightness of the room. As they refocused, he found himself staring directly into someone else's. He found himself frozen, trembling from the waist up and utterly paralysed below. His finger twitched when the staring contest continued.

There was something in him that told him that, if he were to blink, it would be over for him. So he didn't.

The spell broke when the other suddenly closed his eyes.The action seemed almost lazy, if not for the intensity in his eyes telling him otherwise.

He released a breath, still staring. The voices had become clear once again.

"Natsu, you're awake!" Gray exclaimed, an odd combination of annoyance and... relief colouring his words. Maybe he was hallucinating.

Someone muttered under their breath, and Natsu watched Gray whirl around and stomp on their feet from the corner of his eye as the assault of concerned enquiries directed at him continued. Gray was rewarded with a shrill cry of pain and several curses, and turned back to him, opening his mouth to presumably ask something, before another beat him to it, clearing their throat and silencing the room.

The one across from him-who he now knew was Gajeel-continued to stare at him. He was distantly aware of Lucy's absence at that moment.

"So, Salamander."

This time, Natsu didn't bother hiding his grimace. Gajeel paused, and continued almost hesitantly.

"Last ni... how are you?"

If the question itself wasn't jarring enough, the almost soft expression that crossed his face certainly was. Natsu opened his mouth, but closed it, unsure about what to say. He resigned himself to closing his eyes tightly and praying for everything to have just been a dream.

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**aha hi??? hope you enjoyed it. please let me know if I've messed up massively or ****something. **


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